YYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is done. I have watched and reviewed every single film released at my place of work in the year 2008. When I first said yes to this challenge I didn't really understand quite how many films I'd have to watch. Final count, 189. I didn't even think of reviewing them, that was an afterthought. And I never imagined it might be a foot in the door at a national publication. I just said yes because I'm stubborn and I love a stupid challenge. How apt then that my final film would be based on a book by Danny "King of the stupid challenge" Wallace.
Jim Carrey takes the lead role of Carl Allen, a man who says no to life. Whenever he's asked if he wants to learn something new, or help someone out, or even just hang out with his friends he always says, NO. Strong-armed by an old colleague into attending a seminar on positivity Carl's life is turned upside down as he tries saying Yes to everything instead. This means Yes to spam e-mails for penis extensions, Yes to helping the homeless, Yes to speaking Korean and playing the guitar. Most importantly it means Yes to a new life, and possibly, Yes to a new girl.
Like anyone could say no to Zooey Deschanel. She sings, she acts, she is possibly cuter than Wall-E and definitely sexier. She is the ideal women. So when she pops onto the scene in Yes Man you know that structurally at least, we're in rom-com territory. And boy does Yes Man tick off the structure boxes. There's the initial meet where boy likes girl, the fun and games, the dark night of the soul, etc, etc. In fact take along Blake Snyders 'beat sheet' with you and tick them as you go. But let's forget about unpredictability in a rom-com, you will never find it.
And who'd want it. As long as the funny is funny and the romance is romanciful I'm a happy bunny. Yes Man has both. It has the ability to make you smile throughout, giggle occasionally and belly laugh at least two or three times. I swooned at every corny chat up line and felt all giddy at the little tender moments. This is all I wanted from my final film and yet it gave me a little bit more. It gave me a sense of positivity. A sense that if you do something a little stupid, a little different then things may work out for the best.
Sadly my challenge has not changed me as a person or given me Zooey Deschanel. Fucking Movies!!!!
Tuesday, 30 December 2008
Australia Review
Australia is about Beef. Suprising eh? You think you know a lot about movies, buy your ticket for a classic melodrama by a well-known, romantically enclined director, you settle down with your popcorn and bam! Beef. Lots of Beef. But then I suppose, really, when you think about it, its probably not just about beef. It probably is a classic melodrama about romance and what it means to be an Aussie. The thing is stepping out of Australia I instantly forgot almost everything that had just happened. So all I have to go on is my notes. And they say, in quite big letters, BEEF.
Nicole Kidman is Lady Sarah Ashley, a prissy Brit, who goes to Oz to sort out her philandering husband and get him to sell his cattle ranch. When hubbie gets done-in by an aborigine she sees the beauty of Austarlia and teams up with Drover (Hugh Jackman), a dundee of crocodile proportions. They drive the cows across the convict land with the odds stacked against them. But with the help of a little 'half-cast' Nullah (who also acts as our narrator) the two succeed in their mission (selling Beef), fall in love and live happily ever after. Then some more stuff happens. Before happy ending number 2.
This double happy ending is really the films biggest downfall. Having everything the way it should be at the mid-point gives you absolutely no emotional impact when stuff goes wrong and needs to be corrected. It gives you the same ending you had halfway through. And with melodrama and big sweeping epics, emotional impact is key. There may never be anything unpredictable about any of Baz's films (for they are essentially 'big romance/boo hiss villain' movies) but the epicness can't be faulted. You won't find a more grandiose movie in all of the reviews on this site.
Spanning several years, some huge set-pieces (including Oz's own Pearl Harbour) and enough location chewing shots to make Peter Jackson blush, Australia really is epic. Kudos to Kidman for breaking her 'lame duck' period with a well crafted perormance but if anything is remembered from this film its Wolverine. When he arrived clean shaven for the first time the entire female audience inhaled and in doing so almost sucked the room dry. If that's not the effect a leading man should have then I don't know nothing bout nothing. While Australia may not clean up at the Oscars next year the host should be around for a long, long time.
Nicole Kidman is Lady Sarah Ashley, a prissy Brit, who goes to Oz to sort out her philandering husband and get him to sell his cattle ranch. When hubbie gets done-in by an aborigine she sees the beauty of Austarlia and teams up with Drover (Hugh Jackman), a dundee of crocodile proportions. They drive the cows across the convict land with the odds stacked against them. But with the help of a little 'half-cast' Nullah (who also acts as our narrator) the two succeed in their mission (selling Beef), fall in love and live happily ever after. Then some more stuff happens. Before happy ending number 2.
This double happy ending is really the films biggest downfall. Having everything the way it should be at the mid-point gives you absolutely no emotional impact when stuff goes wrong and needs to be corrected. It gives you the same ending you had halfway through. And with melodrama and big sweeping epics, emotional impact is key. There may never be anything unpredictable about any of Baz's films (for they are essentially 'big romance/boo hiss villain' movies) but the epicness can't be faulted. You won't find a more grandiose movie in all of the reviews on this site.
Spanning several years, some huge set-pieces (including Oz's own Pearl Harbour) and enough location chewing shots to make Peter Jackson blush, Australia really is epic. Kudos to Kidman for breaking her 'lame duck' period with a well crafted perormance but if anything is remembered from this film its Wolverine. When he arrived clean shaven for the first time the entire female audience inhaled and in doing so almost sucked the room dry. If that's not the effect a leading man should have then I don't know nothing bout nothing. While Australia may not clean up at the Oscars next year the host should be around for a long, long time.
Bedtime Stories Review
When I set up the admin in a few days time (oh yes, there will be admin) a startlingly awful fact will emerge. Russell Brand will have featured reasonably largely in 3 movies over the course of the year. 3 out of 189. That's almost 2% of the films I've watched this year feature this swaggering STD. He's in more cinematic releases than Sean Penn. More movies than Will Smith. More than Samuel L Jackson and he's in everything! In fact, off the top of my head, I can only think of Brendan Fraser being in an equal amount. There is no God.
Adam Sandler plays a goofy slacker... I'll let that amazing stretch of the imagination sink in for a second. You okay? Right I'll carry on. Adam Sandler plays a goofy slacker who has to look after his sisters kids (The sister is played by Courtney "starting to look worse than Love" Cox). For some reason, that I'm sure wasn't explained, whenever he reads them a bedtime story the story comes true. Or when the kids tell the story it comes true. Or... I don't fucking care anymore.
I only have three movies to go. Why did this have to come so close to the end? Its not like its just one bad movie, it's two. You have to sit through the rubbish kids story part as Sandler gurns his way through every scene, then you have to watch the whole buggering lot again in the real world as the story comes to life. I've had less predictable bowel movements than this. And the 'its a kids movie' defence ain't holding any weight this time round. Surely children aren't so dumb that even when they're told what is going to happen, and then it happens, they can't still get surprised?
There is one amusing moment when Adam Sandler purposefully sprays himself in the face with flame retardant. But I only laughed with pleasure at the thought of his own stupidity causing him pain rather than me. Speaking of pain if I ever see Brand on the silver screen again, with the same hair, same accent, same fucking everything that he sporting in both Penelope and Forgetting Sarah Marshall, I will voluntarily donate my senses to be put through the most horrible torture imaginable in return for just one Roshambo on his nether regions. On a similar note I sincerely hope some of Guy Pearces family are in urgent need of expensive medical treatment. It is the single, only, reason that I will forgive him for being in this tosh.
Adam Sandler plays a goofy slacker... I'll let that amazing stretch of the imagination sink in for a second. You okay? Right I'll carry on. Adam Sandler plays a goofy slacker who has to look after his sisters kids (The sister is played by Courtney "starting to look worse than Love" Cox). For some reason, that I'm sure wasn't explained, whenever he reads them a bedtime story the story comes true. Or when the kids tell the story it comes true. Or... I don't fucking care anymore.
I only have three movies to go. Why did this have to come so close to the end? Its not like its just one bad movie, it's two. You have to sit through the rubbish kids story part as Sandler gurns his way through every scene, then you have to watch the whole buggering lot again in the real world as the story comes to life. I've had less predictable bowel movements than this. And the 'its a kids movie' defence ain't holding any weight this time round. Surely children aren't so dumb that even when they're told what is going to happen, and then it happens, they can't still get surprised?
There is one amusing moment when Adam Sandler purposefully sprays himself in the face with flame retardant. But I only laughed with pleasure at the thought of his own stupidity causing him pain rather than me. Speaking of pain if I ever see Brand on the silver screen again, with the same hair, same accent, same fucking everything that he sporting in both Penelope and Forgetting Sarah Marshall, I will voluntarily donate my senses to be put through the most horrible torture imaginable in return for just one Roshambo on his nether regions. On a similar note I sincerely hope some of Guy Pearces family are in urgent need of expensive medical treatment. It is the single, only, reason that I will forgive him for being in this tosh.
Wednesday, 24 December 2008
Stone of Destiny Review
Ar the Scots. A proooood bunch they are. Nothing gets a wee kiltie pissed off more than a bit of repression from the English (or as the people north of the border call us, Shitty Fecking Cuntrags). I was going to start this review with lots of jokes about salt and shortbread and deep fried Mars bars but considering one of the only people to read these words will be a lovely Scotch person who could kick my ass from here to Hadrians Wall if I did, I'll just get on with the film.
The Stone of Destiny (or the Scone of Destiny as its sometimes called) is a big lump of rock that we stole a long time ago and put under the coronation chair to show the Jocks that we own them. This pissed them off a bit so every now and again some would venture South and try to steal it back. Attempts failed until finally some pissed up and enthusiastic students decided to break into Westminster Abbey and just carry the thing out.
Coming across like Braveheart meets Oceans Eleven, Stone of Destiny is an accomplished tale of national pride that would have Alex Salmond wetting himself with excitement. Such is the love of country on display a plethora of Scottish actors litter the film like a Rangers/Celtic match. Robert Carlyle, Billy Boyd, Peter Mullan, Stephen McCole (a bit like a fat Ewan McGregor) all queue up for their part and while the leads go to Charlie Cox and Kate Mara (English and American respectively) their accents barely slip giving the whole film a real sense of what it means to come from a place you love.
The heist part isn't quite as effective, as it lacks the drama of most 'grab the money and run' films yet in a way this just adds to the pleasant nature of everything. The gang of 'thieves' don't really have a plan so when the plan backfires and they have to wing it you can still cheer them on. That they finally just resort to a smash and grab tactic seems like the best and most justified way of dealing with things. Although why they don't use the wheelbarrow that's in shot for most of the climactic scenes to carry the huge stone out I'll never know. Dumb Scots.
The Stone of Destiny (or the Scone of Destiny as its sometimes called) is a big lump of rock that we stole a long time ago and put under the coronation chair to show the Jocks that we own them. This pissed them off a bit so every now and again some would venture South and try to steal it back. Attempts failed until finally some pissed up and enthusiastic students decided to break into Westminster Abbey and just carry the thing out.
Coming across like Braveheart meets Oceans Eleven, Stone of Destiny is an accomplished tale of national pride that would have Alex Salmond wetting himself with excitement. Such is the love of country on display a plethora of Scottish actors litter the film like a Rangers/Celtic match. Robert Carlyle, Billy Boyd, Peter Mullan, Stephen McCole (a bit like a fat Ewan McGregor) all queue up for their part and while the leads go to Charlie Cox and Kate Mara (English and American respectively) their accents barely slip giving the whole film a real sense of what it means to come from a place you love.
The heist part isn't quite as effective, as it lacks the drama of most 'grab the money and run' films yet in a way this just adds to the pleasant nature of everything. The gang of 'thieves' don't really have a plan so when the plan backfires and they have to wing it you can still cheer them on. That they finally just resort to a smash and grab tactic seems like the best and most justified way of dealing with things. Although why they don't use the wheelbarrow that's in shot for most of the climactic scenes to carry the huge stone out I'll never know. Dumb Scots.
Tuesday, 23 December 2008
A Bunch of Amateurs Review
I bloody hate the theatre. I don't quite no why. It might be because most people involved in it are pretentious and dull and spout crap like 'The Show Must Go On'. Put me in a room full of thesps and I'll scream Macbeth at them until they shit themselves and fall down screaming. This like most of my thoughts and opinions is based on nothing and if I ever left the confines of my bedroom and/or cinema to watch a play I might actually enjoy it. But probably not judging by A Bunch of Amateurs.
Burt Reynolds plays Jefferson Steel, an over the hill action man, star of the brilliantly titled 'Ultimate Finality' movies. When work dries up in America his agent gets him the part of King Lear in Stratford, England. The problem being that there are quite a few Stratfords in England and Upon Avon is not the one that Jefferson is playing to. Instead he's sadled with a community theatre project somewhere in Suffolk where his Hollywood temperement won't be pandered to.
And that's the only real joke in the film. He's a bigshot actor that likes things his way, they are a group of Hicks that wouldn't know their Cappucino from their Al Pacino (where have I stolen that from?). Oh the hilarity that ensues. That last line was sarcasm yet judging by the audience I watched it with there was much hilarity ensuing. Everytime a Shakespeare gag reared its ugly head the 7 other audeince members wet themselves laughing. They also laughed at Imelda Stauntons character, the most eye/ear/nose-gaugingly awful thing on screen since Julie Walters in Mamma Mia, so I think this just reinforces my beliefs about theatre types.
The inclusion of Burt Reynolds as the lead is the only real pulling point. Look its the Bandit in an English pub! But seeing as I don't like him even this doesn't help much. Apart from Deliverance and Boogie Nights I can't think of another good Burt performance. From a man whose career has spanned four decades that's a shit batting average. He's not even good enough to play himself which seems to be what he's doing in this. With an appalling attempt at a romantic story, racial sterotypes ticked off one by one and a painfully predictable plot A Bunch of Amateurs should only be remembered as a funny line in The Big Lebowski.
Burt Reynolds plays Jefferson Steel, an over the hill action man, star of the brilliantly titled 'Ultimate Finality' movies. When work dries up in America his agent gets him the part of King Lear in Stratford, England. The problem being that there are quite a few Stratfords in England and Upon Avon is not the one that Jefferson is playing to. Instead he's sadled with a community theatre project somewhere in Suffolk where his Hollywood temperement won't be pandered to.
And that's the only real joke in the film. He's a bigshot actor that likes things his way, they are a group of Hicks that wouldn't know their Cappucino from their Al Pacino (where have I stolen that from?). Oh the hilarity that ensues. That last line was sarcasm yet judging by the audience I watched it with there was much hilarity ensuing. Everytime a Shakespeare gag reared its ugly head the 7 other audeince members wet themselves laughing. They also laughed at Imelda Stauntons character, the most eye/ear/nose-gaugingly awful thing on screen since Julie Walters in Mamma Mia, so I think this just reinforces my beliefs about theatre types.
The inclusion of Burt Reynolds as the lead is the only real pulling point. Look its the Bandit in an English pub! But seeing as I don't like him even this doesn't help much. Apart from Deliverance and Boogie Nights I can't think of another good Burt performance. From a man whose career has spanned four decades that's a shit batting average. He's not even good enough to play himself which seems to be what he's doing in this. With an appalling attempt at a romantic story, racial sterotypes ticked off one by one and a painfully predictable plot A Bunch of Amateurs should only be remembered as a funny line in The Big Lebowski.
Madagascar 2, Inkheart and The Tale of Despereaux Reviews
Here's a quick run-down of the Christmas family movies without the usual swearing and cynicism.Well, without the usual swearing, at least. And for the first time this year no Paul Gadd jokes!
First the sequel, Madagascar : Escape 2 Africa (not the horribly Enoch Powell espousing Back to Africa that I first thought it was called). Anyone who saw the first film will know that while the lion, the zebra, the hippo and the giraffe get most of the screen time, its the penguins that get all the laughs. From the moment they kick the fishing boy off the Dreamworks logo the film belongs to the unfeathery birds. Sadly you have to sit through a tired retread of The Lion King while you wait for them to come back and liven things up. A healthy amount of cartoon violence makes the short running time pass even quicker and I'm a little sad as this may be the last time I ever hear Bernie Mac's voice in the cinema again. One last time... KICK IT!
Inkheart is a decent family vehicle with a premise that is a little too high on the shelf of concept. The idea is that Brendan Fraser can make anything he reads come to life. A bit like Stranger than Fiction for kids. Sadly the concept asks a few too many questions such as, Do the books have to be published? What would happen if he read the Bible, would the fictional character God appear? Why does Brendan Fraser have the same haircut in every film? Most of these questions are valiantly raised in the last act but all this does is make things more complicated. Bonus points for having hubbie/wife combo Jennifer Connelly and Paul Bettany as a hubbie/wife combo. One of the very few Hollywood couples that aren't attention seeking and smug. I like them both, I do.
Lastly its the new animation about mices not from the House of Mouse (thats what Disney is sometimes called kids), The Tale of Despereaux. Telling the story of a little heroic mouse with big ears that wants to bring soup and rats back to the people of his village which I'm guessing is somewhere in Franceland. I don't know why I'm guessing its set in France, maybe because all the human characters look French, maybe its the name Despereaux. Anyway, this is in equal parts charming and a little dull. But I am left with the funny feeling that Dustin Hoffman doesn't like his own face anymore as he seems to be hiding from my screen this year instead choosing to voice assorted animals. The 2009 campaign to bring back Dustin's face starts here.
First the sequel, Madagascar : Escape 2 Africa (not the horribly Enoch Powell espousing Back to Africa that I first thought it was called). Anyone who saw the first film will know that while the lion, the zebra, the hippo and the giraffe get most of the screen time, its the penguins that get all the laughs. From the moment they kick the fishing boy off the Dreamworks logo the film belongs to the unfeathery birds. Sadly you have to sit through a tired retread of The Lion King while you wait for them to come back and liven things up. A healthy amount of cartoon violence makes the short running time pass even quicker and I'm a little sad as this may be the last time I ever hear Bernie Mac's voice in the cinema again. One last time... KICK IT!
Inkheart is a decent family vehicle with a premise that is a little too high on the shelf of concept. The idea is that Brendan Fraser can make anything he reads come to life. A bit like Stranger than Fiction for kids. Sadly the concept asks a few too many questions such as, Do the books have to be published? What would happen if he read the Bible, would the fictional character God appear? Why does Brendan Fraser have the same haircut in every film? Most of these questions are valiantly raised in the last act but all this does is make things more complicated. Bonus points for having hubbie/wife combo Jennifer Connelly and Paul Bettany as a hubbie/wife combo. One of the very few Hollywood couples that aren't attention seeking and smug. I like them both, I do.
Lastly its the new animation about mices not from the House of Mouse (thats what Disney is sometimes called kids), The Tale of Despereaux. Telling the story of a little heroic mouse with big ears that wants to bring soup and rats back to the people of his village which I'm guessing is somewhere in Franceland. I don't know why I'm guessing its set in France, maybe because all the human characters look French, maybe its the name Despereaux. Anyway, this is in equal parts charming and a little dull. But I am left with the funny feeling that Dustin Hoffman doesn't like his own face anymore as he seems to be hiding from my screen this year instead choosing to voice assorted animals. The 2009 campaign to bring back Dustin's face starts here.
Friday, 19 December 2008
Twilight Review
If you were ever curious as to whether you could construct an entire film consisting only of two teenagers in heavy foundation, staring longlingly at each other, in slow motion, walking around moodily, in the dark, while electric guitar wailed in the background, well, the answer is yes. Though Twilight only contains these things and would, on the surface, just be a film that Goths can cut themselves and wank to, it still manages to raise a smile and be an entertaining couple of hours. Well, stake my heart and call me Susan I just enjoyed something meant for 14 year old girls.
In a small town in somewhere where direct sunlight isn't really an issue, Bella moves to live with her dad. Before you can say 'fresh meat' all the boys are drooling over her but she only has eyes for Edward, the tall, big eyebrowed one who looks like that guy from Busted with Michael Jackson's skin. The reason for his whiter than whiteskin, he's a Vampire living with his family of Vampires. But he's a good Vampire so its okay. But there are some bad Vampires so they have a bit of a scuffle. Mainly though its just Bella staring at Edward until his big eyebrows catch fire with teenage lust.
That this teenage lust is captured well is really the true saving grace of the movie. Its helped by the two leads, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattison, being so beautiful and handsome (in that order) that to look at them for more than 12 seconds makes me go a big rubbery one and melt into a puddle of something shaped somewhat similar to a teenage girl. That the Vampires themselves have super-speed, super-strength, can read minds and have the ability to make a girls knickers moist at 50 yards makes them so unbelievably perfect you want to drown them in Chicken Kievs.
But when they start to lighten up and crack jokes they become likeable and despite my better judgement I want to spend more time in their company. Trying desperately to find something not to like about this film I'll attack the special effects. The super-speed looks like Benny Hill and the 'Diamond Glow' has the appearance of fat mans sweat. Really though I'm just stretching here and will have to admit that for the most part Twilight is enjoyable, funnier than you'd think and contains Radiohead's 15 Step over the closing credits. Can't complain.
In a small town in somewhere where direct sunlight isn't really an issue, Bella moves to live with her dad. Before you can say 'fresh meat' all the boys are drooling over her but she only has eyes for Edward, the tall, big eyebrowed one who looks like that guy from Busted with Michael Jackson's skin. The reason for his whiter than whiteskin, he's a Vampire living with his family of Vampires. But he's a good Vampire so its okay. But there are some bad Vampires so they have a bit of a scuffle. Mainly though its just Bella staring at Edward until his big eyebrows catch fire with teenage lust.
That this teenage lust is captured well is really the true saving grace of the movie. Its helped by the two leads, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattison, being so beautiful and handsome (in that order) that to look at them for more than 12 seconds makes me go a big rubbery one and melt into a puddle of something shaped somewhat similar to a teenage girl. That the Vampires themselves have super-speed, super-strength, can read minds and have the ability to make a girls knickers moist at 50 yards makes them so unbelievably perfect you want to drown them in Chicken Kievs.
But when they start to lighten up and crack jokes they become likeable and despite my better judgement I want to spend more time in their company. Trying desperately to find something not to like about this film I'll attack the special effects. The super-speed looks like Benny Hill and the 'Diamond Glow' has the appearance of fat mans sweat. Really though I'm just stretching here and will have to admit that for the most part Twilight is enjoyable, funnier than you'd think and contains Radiohead's 15 Step over the closing credits. Can't complain.
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