If you were ever curious as to whether you could construct an entire film consisting only of two teenagers in heavy foundation, staring longlingly at each other, in slow motion, walking around moodily, in the dark, while electric guitar wailed in the background, well, the answer is yes. Though Twilight only contains these things and would, on the surface, just be a film that Goths can cut themselves and wank to, it still manages to raise a smile and be an entertaining couple of hours. Well, stake my heart and call me Susan I just enjoyed something meant for 14 year old girls.
In a small town in somewhere where direct sunlight isn't really an issue, Bella moves to live with her dad. Before you can say 'fresh meat' all the boys are drooling over her but she only has eyes for Edward, the tall, big eyebrowed one who looks like that guy from Busted with Michael Jackson's skin. The reason for his whiter than whiteskin, he's a Vampire living with his family of Vampires. But he's a good Vampire so its okay. But there are some bad Vampires so they have a bit of a scuffle. Mainly though its just Bella staring at Edward until his big eyebrows catch fire with teenage lust.
That this teenage lust is captured well is really the true saving grace of the movie. Its helped by the two leads, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattison, being so beautiful and handsome (in that order) that to look at them for more than 12 seconds makes me go a big rubbery one and melt into a puddle of something shaped somewhat similar to a teenage girl. That the Vampires themselves have super-speed, super-strength, can read minds and have the ability to make a girls knickers moist at 50 yards makes them so unbelievably perfect you want to drown them in Chicken Kievs.
But when they start to lighten up and crack jokes they become likeable and despite my better judgement I want to spend more time in their company. Trying desperately to find something not to like about this film I'll attack the special effects. The super-speed looks like Benny Hill and the 'Diamond Glow' has the appearance of fat mans sweat. Really though I'm just stretching here and will have to admit that for the most part Twilight is enjoyable, funnier than you'd think and contains Radiohead's 15 Step over the closing credits. Can't complain.