I can't help it. Despite my better judgement there is something hilarious, and therefore likeable, about Jason Statham. It may be his Po-tay-toe shaped head, his inability to change his accent for any role or the way he can keep a straight face when delivering some of the worst dialogue known to man. But its probably because I know he's pissing himself laughing at the fact that people pay him shit loads of cash to do things like fight with his shirt off or drive a car on top of a train. Nice work if you can get it.
Not breaking the Luc Besson formula for a second we have the indestructable, hard-man professional going on a job he doesn't really want to do. Stath - Check. The innocent, Louise Brooks coiffed girl who can't speak good English. Natalya Rudakova - Check. And the bad guy who's a bit creepy, a bit camp and looks a bit like Superhands from Peep Show. Robert Knepper - Check. Add into that some Jason on a BMX, the afformentioned Jason fighting with his shirt off and the Jason with a bracelet that will blow up if he stops moving and its almost as silly as Crank. Except Crank was actually fun.
This film could only work as a silent movie. The action is more than acceptable and at times its even inventive. But by keeping Jason stuck to his car (if he moves within 70 yards of the car the bracelet goes off) the movie grinds to an ugly, dialogue induced halt. Nowhere else this year have I seen the English language so desecrated than when the characters in this film use them to communicate. The fact that the lead actress is actually a worse thespian than The Stath may be hard to believe but its every inch the truth. That someone decided over half the film would be a road movie between the two is just plain baffling. She is easily the worst travel companion since Dodi Fayed.
Transporter 3 will definitely be remembered for two things. First it contains easily the worst scene of the year. Jason and the girl have a go at flirting with each other climaxing with 'Our Jase' doing a little strip tease for the salivating Ukranian. The second is the cinematic death of Luc Besson. He's not directing but the fact that he puts his name on both the script and production makes me seriously reconsider Leon as my mostest favourite film of all time. I know the Transporter films are tongue in cheek shit but couple this with Taken (his only other output this year) and its Sacre Bleu Luc. Sacre sodding bleu.