Mutant Chronicles Review

Only twice this year have a caught some zee's whilst movie watching. I know its not exactly professional but I'm watching movies not working as an air traffic controller. What is surprising is the two films I've nodded off to. Not for me the tranquility of a costume drama or some cutesy Disney, oh no, the first was the awful Doomsday a post-apocalyptic vision of the future where claret was thrown around around the set with such repitition it become sleep inducing and the second is The Mutant Chronicles, a post-apocalyptic vision of the future where claret is thrown... you get the idea.

The year is 2727 and the world is fucked (we've got a while then). George Orwell was bang on the money and now the world is divided into a few 'corporations' that fight continuously over the world's last remaining resources. As if things weren't bad enough there is a machine, called 'the machine', which when opened will release weird mutant things to kill everyone with their pointy knife arms. Mitch Hunter (Thoas Jane) is asked by a priest that protects the Mutant Chronicles to go into the heart of the machine and switch it off with a big off switch button. Before you can say Fellowship of the Ring meets Aliens Mitch has gathered a big troop of 'ard people to go save the day.

Inbetween my napping (hey I'd just done a 12 hour shift, give me a break) I was troubled to see how this 'original' piece of cinema was made. When the camera shifted to first person for the fight scenes I realised this is a bollocksing computer game adaptation which automatically makes it shit. Press AB together to shoot a mutant or alternatively play as the mutant and stabby mcstab a soldier in the face by pressing up, up, down, down X. As for the Sky Captain and the World of Tomorow look, when did that bag of spanners become influential?

The eternal question of why some actors turn up in certian films runs through this like a river runs through it. Whatever 'it' is. Ron Perlman (doing a shoddy Irish accent whenever he wants to), Sean Pertwee and Thomas Jane can be forgiven because direct to DVD tosh like this is probably there un-toast and churned milk but Malkotraz?!! Why? You're soon to star in the new Coens and the new Eastwood. You don't have to make a movie every day. Take some time off and play some videogames or something. Altogther now up, up, down, down, X, A, B, stabby, shooty, stabby, stab.