Max Payne Review

Some things I'm not a fan of.
1) Video Game Adaptations
2) Video Games
3) Marky Mark
4) Lazy Plotting
5) Poor Characterization
6) Bad Dialogue
7) Tediousness
8) Checklists of things people aren't fans of
9) Self Deprecation
10) Irony

Max Payne has the first seven in abundance. But does it have enough of them for me to make a terrible pun about watching it being like "Payneful to the Max"? No, because while I'm not officially a professional film critic I still have an ounce of self respect. Anybody who has been paid for a review and used any variation of this terrible wordplay donate at least a months pay (or a kidney) to an orphange or something. Alternatively, kill yourself.

Max Payne is a hard-boiled noir cop (or he'd like to be if he wasn't played by a member of the Funky Bunch) who deals in cases unsolved. He does this because his wife and baby were killed by bad guys that never got caught. That old chestnut. And even though I watched this less than 12 hours ago I can't remember anything else about this film's plot. There's some crap about army soldiers taking drugs and growing wings, Meg from Family Guy shows up because her sister (the new bond girl) gets eaten and Beau Bridges is the bad guy.

Awww did I spoil the ending? Well no because to spoil something you would have had to have been enjoying it at some point and I can guarantee that you won't. In fact if you can write in a 1000 word piece about why this film was good and can prove you have an IQ over 85 then I'll buy you a Coke to say sorry. This film is just a mess. It hasn't got nearly enough stupid action to please the fanboys (there is more gunfire in the closing credits than in the movie) and is far too tired and lazy to be a 'real film'. Huge logic gaps crop up every two minutes, including one scene where BB saves Maximillian (I like to think thats his real name) just to explain his dastardly plot and then try to kill him. For god's sake why?!?

Whenever I see a video game movie I recall horrific conversations with some of my closest friends of how "One day films and games will be the same thing!". On the strength of this it would appear their dream of synergy is dying, yet they're arguments still reverberate through my mind like a pointless, misfired shotgun blast. For now though my real worry, the big girl that I am, is that Mark Wahlberg is going to ruin The Lovely Bones (thats right I read books recommended by Richard and Judy but won't sit in front of an XBox, bring it on). We all know he can be good, Boogie Nights and The Departed are two fine examples of silly Mark fitting a role but deep and complex they ain't. The idea of him playing Susies dad brings a large amount of discomfort to me. You could even say I'm in...