Friday, 6 June 2008

Prom Night Review

I've recently become obsessed with Idris Elba. 'That's okay Owen, I'm sure she's lovely' I hear you cry. Unfortunately Idris Elba is a pretty huge, mid thirties black man from Hackney in London. And I don't think he's gay. And for that matter neither am I (too much cleanliness and all that dancing). Herein lies the problem. As Stringer Bell in The Wire, Idris cut quite an impossibly manly figure so the homoerotic feeling I had for him seemed rooted in something pyschological yet in Prom Night he's possibly the worst police officer ever, directly responsible for the deaths of a host of annoying teens. This could be why my obsession is growing.

Taking place on, well, Prom Night, Prom Night is this months horror remake. Why horror is becoming the least original of all the genre pics is a little baffling. One look at Garth Marenghis Darkplace and you can see that there are an infinite amount of possibilities waiting for Hollywood to embrace. I want to see a bigscreen Skippy the Eyechild not more schoolkids get attacked by psycho in hotel. Tame enough to be a 15 certificate (thus no pant wetting) and cliche enough to make me furious.

And its not just cliches of horror but also teenflicks that are thrown at the screen willy and indeed nilly. An opening attack to keep the viewer from nodding off, a startled wake from a dream, the ol' spook in the mirror, a token black couple, an escaped mental patient, Se7en style journals, cliche after sodding cliche spat at the screen with such contempt for the paying public. And this is all in the first reel! Plus for no extra cost the viewer is treated to 'the room silenced by the entrance of the girl in her Prom dress'. Put simply. Cock off! Cock right Off!

Every character is as vacuous as the leads in My Super Sweet Sixteen with absolutely nothing of interest to say. Then itts probably designed for people who think that show is both Super and Sweet. i.e. Idiots. Idiots that I want to die painfully, quickly, and gruesomely. So here it is another film where I'm praying for death. Death for the characters, death for the film makers, death for the paying public and death for myself. But not for Idris Elba though. Cos I love him.

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