Wednesday, 26 November 2008
Flawless Review
Diamonds are a girl's best friend. They are also forever. Apparently. Age however is not a girl's best friend and youth is in turn not forever. What I'm getting at is Demi Moore is old and this film is about Diamonds. I know the challenge is nearly over but surely I can do a less tenuous opening link than that. Bollocks can I! Its Mid-November, (say that's a nice Johnathan Rice song!) and in one and a half months time I can pick and choose what I watch at the cinema and all will be right in the world. Until then Tenuosity Rules! As do made up words like Tenuosity.
So starting in the present day we're 'treated' to a montage of career driven women that looks exactly like a Diet Coke ad execs best wank fantasy. We also get to see what Demi Moore would look like if she couldn't afford plastic surgery (Answer- a burns victim) as she tells her life story in flashback to one of these up and coming, 00's women with balls. The story, thankfully, is quite interesting, because it involves Michael Caine as a working class hero stealing shitloads of bling from big bad diamond geezers. Thats diamond selling geezers not the Guy Ritchie type. They'd have Caine's balls in a vice before he could say 'OOOOh but I was doing it for me dead wife'.
When a film sits on the shelf for as long as this has (Feb 2007 was its first airing) you'd have to think the dust is there for a reason. Is, it features Demi Moore, reason enough? Well yes and no. To be fair to the Ashton fucking septugenarian she's not half bad in this. Her English accent is passable and the scriptwriters have even explained that she's from America originally to save any insults. But on the other hand she's fucking Ashton Kutcher. So she's obviously a massive twat, who can't act for a really extra large bag of Worthers Originals and deserves some kind of syphillus induced brain meltdown. Bitterness is funny.
The heist itself is effective considering its 1960's London and there's no lasers or dogs with bees in their mouths to stop Carter stealing all the little shiny rocks he wants. Instead we have an antiquated CCTV system and two or three security guards that would put Abe Lincolns to shame (Too Soon!!!). Still the robbery has a fair amount of tension and kept a moron like me guessing til quite near the end. How to some it up, Its kinda like Oceans 11 with GIJane and Alfie the Butler. Damn I wish I was famous enough to get that on the poster.
So starting in the present day we're 'treated' to a montage of career driven women that looks exactly like a Diet Coke ad execs best wank fantasy. We also get to see what Demi Moore would look like if she couldn't afford plastic surgery (Answer- a burns victim) as she tells her life story in flashback to one of these up and coming, 00's women with balls. The story, thankfully, is quite interesting, because it involves Michael Caine as a working class hero stealing shitloads of bling from big bad diamond geezers. Thats diamond selling geezers not the Guy Ritchie type. They'd have Caine's balls in a vice before he could say 'OOOOh but I was doing it for me dead wife'.
When a film sits on the shelf for as long as this has (Feb 2007 was its first airing) you'd have to think the dust is there for a reason. Is, it features Demi Moore, reason enough? Well yes and no. To be fair to the Ashton fucking septugenarian she's not half bad in this. Her English accent is passable and the scriptwriters have even explained that she's from America originally to save any insults. But on the other hand she's fucking Ashton Kutcher. So she's obviously a massive twat, who can't act for a really extra large bag of Worthers Originals and deserves some kind of syphillus induced brain meltdown. Bitterness is funny.
The heist itself is effective considering its 1960's London and there's no lasers or dogs with bees in their mouths to stop Carter stealing all the little shiny rocks he wants. Instead we have an antiquated CCTV system and two or three security guards that would put Abe Lincolns to shame (Too Soon!!!). Still the robbery has a fair amount of tension and kept a moron like me guessing til quite near the end. How to some it up, Its kinda like Oceans 11 with GIJane and Alfie the Butler. Damn I wish I was famous enough to get that on the poster.
Wednesday, 19 November 2008
Quarantine Review
Hay dos cosas probables de bombear mi sangre. Uno es una película de terror que es verdaderamente espantosa y me hace que wanna va caca. El otro es el sobre el uso de longitud en pies de videocámara para espantar y dar miedo (ve Agenda de la Revisión Muerta) especialmente cuándo weilded por equipos de cámara incompasivos. Chickos not as hotos as in Recos. Olvidar el molestar efecto inestable de leva por un segundo el principal problema con estas películas es que debido al docu se siente que la naturaleza hay pequeña a ningún compromiso emocional con cualquiera de los caracteres. En lugar nosotros son dejados con anónimo, víctimas sin cara para ser offed de uno en uno. No signifique que no es suficiente espantoso para hacerme caca de wanna aunque.
Una tripulación local de la televisión de Spainish, completa con astuto, periodista de ambitous Angela, dispara una característica que sigue a personas que trabaja de noche permitido "Mientras usted está durmiendo". Este segmento de particualr sigue la tripulación local de fuego como ellos son escatimados a ayudar una mujer de edad avanzada encerró su plano. Fish from Ally McBealos. Cuándo la anciana gira pyscho y come el cuello de uno de la tripulación enviada a ayudarla que el edificio de apartamento es sellado por las autoridades en el motivo de un susto de la salud. Lentamente pero seguramente los residentes, los bomberos y el equipo de cámara son... bien ellos no son enviados flores y abrazados por perritos permite ponerlo así.
Yo no soy inseguro si ni comienzo a respetar éstos "haré nada para una historia" tipos de periodista o si el más veo de ellos el más pienso qué tontos que ellos son. Pienso su el último porque a fines del día lo que valioso ayuda a ser ellos dando realmente al público. Parece a mí que la único advertencia positiva su cobertura da nosotros somos no es agradable a niños desquiciados locos de autómata. No preocupe a tipos que hago no. Same bloody film. ¿Pero realmente suficiente de mí gemiendo acerca de esto 'tipo de película' porque el tema es de interés pequeño lo que el espectador quiere realmente saber es, me cagó arriba? Sí, sí y tres veces sí.
El claustrofóbica se siente, los temores primitivos y los golpes baratos que todo fueron amontonados en en palas. Hay una cantidad conveniente de Gore práctico de llegar al hoyo del estómago (si la Fotografía no llega primero) y los chillidos, una vez que ellos comienzan, nunca paran. Not as scary. Después de que la Agenda lamentable del Muerto parezca Romero podría conseguir una punta o dos de los jóvenes en cómo hacer un golpecito espantoso. Y con la prima agregada del subtexto de católico Autómata de Spainish Posesión un estilo de George UN 'comentario explícito en nuestros tiempos' es incluido en el precio de billete también.
(Because people are stupid they can't read subtitles and films have to be remade into English. Quarantine is a remake of Rec, a Spanish film that was out less than 8 months ago. As a protest to this kind of lazy filmmaking I've cut and pasted my review form April. Well its half protest. Half me being lazy.)
Una tripulación local de la televisión de Spainish, completa con astuto, periodista de ambitous Angela, dispara una característica que sigue a personas que trabaja de noche permitido "Mientras usted está durmiendo". Este segmento de particualr sigue la tripulación local de fuego como ellos son escatimados a ayudar una mujer de edad avanzada encerró su plano. Fish from Ally McBealos. Cuándo la anciana gira pyscho y come el cuello de uno de la tripulación enviada a ayudarla que el edificio de apartamento es sellado por las autoridades en el motivo de un susto de la salud. Lentamente pero seguramente los residentes, los bomberos y el equipo de cámara son... bien ellos no son enviados flores y abrazados por perritos permite ponerlo así.
Yo no soy inseguro si ni comienzo a respetar éstos "haré nada para una historia" tipos de periodista o si el más veo de ellos el más pienso qué tontos que ellos son. Pienso su el último porque a fines del día lo que valioso ayuda a ser ellos dando realmente al público. Parece a mí que la único advertencia positiva su cobertura da nosotros somos no es agradable a niños desquiciados locos de autómata. No preocupe a tipos que hago no. Same bloody film. ¿Pero realmente suficiente de mí gemiendo acerca de esto 'tipo de película' porque el tema es de interés pequeño lo que el espectador quiere realmente saber es, me cagó arriba? Sí, sí y tres veces sí.
El claustrofóbica se siente, los temores primitivos y los golpes baratos que todo fueron amontonados en en palas. Hay una cantidad conveniente de Gore práctico de llegar al hoyo del estómago (si la Fotografía no llega primero) y los chillidos, una vez que ellos comienzan, nunca paran. Not as scary. Después de que la Agenda lamentable del Muerto parezca Romero podría conseguir una punta o dos de los jóvenes en cómo hacer un golpecito espantoso. Y con la prima agregada del subtexto de católico Autómata de Spainish Posesión un estilo de George UN 'comentario explícito en nuestros tiempos' es incluido en el precio de billete también.
(Because people are stupid they can't read subtitles and films have to be remade into English. Quarantine is a remake of Rec, a Spanish film that was out less than 8 months ago. As a protest to this kind of lazy filmmaking I've cut and pasted my review form April. Well its half protest. Half me being lazy.)
Choke Review
An underrated cast containing the likes of Sam Rockwell and Kelly McDonald. Radiohead on the soundtrack. Titties, preferably jiggling. Steak. A decent low budget production company like Fox Searchlight. Source material from someone with such satirical bile it makes you look incredulously at the entire human race. Clay Davis from The Wire. A sense of humour darker than Bill Hicks wearing all black in a room with the lights off. The kind of stupidly romantic ending that makes you think life might not be as painful as it appears. More jiggling titties. These are just some of the ingredients to make a perfect movie for me.
From the same fucked up mind that gave us Fight Club, Choke is author Chuck Palanhuiks second big screen outing. Sam Rockwell plays Victor Mancini a directionless sex addict who spends his days working at a colonial theme park and his nights 'choking' on food in restaurants looking for someone to save him. In doing so, he argues, he's giving these strangers a reason to live, which they then reward by sending him money whenever he needs it. This money is spent making sure his demented mother is alive long enough to tell him who his dad is. A question with more answers than Victor may have hoped for.
The main problem with Choke, as a film, is its faithfulness to the book, something that before I went in I was really hoping they would nail. Yet from the new romance with his mums doctor, to his sex addiction, to his choking scam, to beads up his arsehole, to collecting rocks and raping pensioners, every page is up on screen. Every subplot is present and correct but none are expanded on and each deserves more screentime. An entire movie could be made about who his father may or may not be, if only because it poses the greatest philosophical question seen at the cinemas in some time. What Would Jesus Not Do?
Fight Club was a very different beast fom Choke but it knew when and where to stray from the text and when it did stray it was a better film for it. So while Choke may have all the checklists for the best film of the year it doesn't quite live up to the ridiculous personal hype I'd bestowed on it. The fact that its still funny, intelligent and enjoyable from start to finish says a lot about the filmmakers involved. But these are the kind of filmmakers that could play out a joyously sentimental ending with Radiohead's Reckoner on the soundtrack. Of course I'm going to like these filmmakers.
From the same fucked up mind that gave us Fight Club, Choke is author Chuck Palanhuiks second big screen outing. Sam Rockwell plays Victor Mancini a directionless sex addict who spends his days working at a colonial theme park and his nights 'choking' on food in restaurants looking for someone to save him. In doing so, he argues, he's giving these strangers a reason to live, which they then reward by sending him money whenever he needs it. This money is spent making sure his demented mother is alive long enough to tell him who his dad is. A question with more answers than Victor may have hoped for.
The main problem with Choke, as a film, is its faithfulness to the book, something that before I went in I was really hoping they would nail. Yet from the new romance with his mums doctor, to his sex addiction, to his choking scam, to beads up his arsehole, to collecting rocks and raping pensioners, every page is up on screen. Every subplot is present and correct but none are expanded on and each deserves more screentime. An entire movie could be made about who his father may or may not be, if only because it poses the greatest philosophical question seen at the cinemas in some time. What Would Jesus Not Do?
Fight Club was a very different beast fom Choke but it knew when and where to stray from the text and when it did stray it was a better film for it. So while Choke may have all the checklists for the best film of the year it doesn't quite live up to the ridiculous personal hype I'd bestowed on it. The fact that its still funny, intelligent and enjoyable from start to finish says a lot about the filmmakers involved. But these are the kind of filmmakers that could play out a joyously sentimental ending with Radiohead's Reckoner on the soundtrack. Of course I'm going to like these filmmakers.
Body Of Lies Review
(The) War! (On Terror) Huh! What is it good for? Not inspiring good movies, thats for damn sure. From old school film makers like Robert Redford (Lions for Lambs) and Brian DePalma (Redacted) to up 'n' comers like Gavin Hood (Rendition) and Kimberley Pierce (Stop-Loss) nobody has managed to really get to grips with the nice big mess of beardy guys blowing up buses and the subsequent shelling the shit out of their countires by us (or vice versa depending on your newspaper of choice). Now we can add Ridley Scott to that ever expanding list of directors who have tried (and failed) to say anything of worth.
Body Of Lies tells the investigative side of the story in the struggle for freedom and democracy throughout the land TM. Roger Ferris (Leonardo DiCaprio) is the guy on the ground running around hot, sandy countries, sporting silly beards trying to gain access and gather information to take down a big cheese in the Osama Army. Ed Hoffman (Russell Crowe) is the suit, the guy in the office. He's running the game from a Madonna style headset nonchalantly shrugging if one of his characters takes a bomb to the face. After all, he can always upload another.
Actually that write up of the plot makes the film sound quite compliacted and interesting. And I guess that was what Sir Scott was going for. The problem being he had to add a story to the idea of the clean handed guy in charge versus the poor schmuck in the field who picks bits of his dead friends bone from his arm. The story that he chose is not just dull, but ultimately pointless. So what if we remove the head of one bad guy, another will take his place. This isn't the film makers fault though. Its the War On Terrors fault. Silly War On Terror.
With WWI and WWII there was a real sense of good guy/bad guy but still enough wiggle room to find complexity. Vietnam, while a mess, gave us great movies about what a mess it was. There is definitely the possibility for some Dr.Strangelove style silliness to be had on our generations conflict but this "War" (Yeah I used bunny ears, how subversive am I?) will never, ever stop unless the following conversation is read by all.
Man In Power #1 "Y'know this War on Terror thing.
Man In Power #2 "Yeah"
Man In Power #1 "When's it gonna end?"
Man In Power #2 "When everyone gets on."
Man In Power #1 "Oh."
Body Of Lies tells the investigative side of the story in the struggle for freedom and democracy throughout the land TM. Roger Ferris (Leonardo DiCaprio) is the guy on the ground running around hot, sandy countries, sporting silly beards trying to gain access and gather information to take down a big cheese in the Osama Army. Ed Hoffman (Russell Crowe) is the suit, the guy in the office. He's running the game from a Madonna style headset nonchalantly shrugging if one of his characters takes a bomb to the face. After all, he can always upload another.
Actually that write up of the plot makes the film sound quite compliacted and interesting. And I guess that was what Sir Scott was going for. The problem being he had to add a story to the idea of the clean handed guy in charge versus the poor schmuck in the field who picks bits of his dead friends bone from his arm. The story that he chose is not just dull, but ultimately pointless. So what if we remove the head of one bad guy, another will take his place. This isn't the film makers fault though. Its the War On Terrors fault. Silly War On Terror.
With WWI and WWII there was a real sense of good guy/bad guy but still enough wiggle room to find complexity. Vietnam, while a mess, gave us great movies about what a mess it was. There is definitely the possibility for some Dr.Strangelove style silliness to be had on our generations conflict but this "War" (Yeah I used bunny ears, how subversive am I?) will never, ever stop unless the following conversation is read by all.
Man In Power #1 "Y'know this War on Terror thing.
Man In Power #2 "Yeah"
Man In Power #1 "When's it gonna end?"
Man In Power #2 "When everyone gets on."
Man In Power #1 "Oh."
Easy Virtue Review
We Brits are a miserable bunch. Uptight, close minded, not really up for any fun. We could argue that its because most of our days are overcast and the sun is as rare as a review on this website that doesn't mention The Wire. But what we do do well (ha, doo doo) is sardonic, sarcastic wit. That and good costume dramas and acting. So place a Noel Coward play (king of sarcastic, sardonistic wit) with a big BBC production and fine actors and Hurrah its Rule Britannia.
Set in 1920's England where the skies are overcast and the Great War has just finished, Easy Virtue tells of the Whittaker family and their 'shock horror' when the eldest John (Ben Barnes) brings home a bloody Yank as his wife. The majority of the chagrin eminates from the mother (Kristen Scott Thomas) while the father (a splendidly deadpan Colin Firth) enjoys the life the new addition brings. That the wife is played by Jessica Biel in full, turning heads mode might have something to do with the mens reaction.
And Biels Larita is reallly where the film lives or dies. Sadly for the film and her (when she reads this she'll probably try to take her own life) I don't find her that attractive. If you're in the 1920's you better have a Louise Brooks haircut or I'm just not interested. So while she nails the role of the strong yet vulnerable outsider as soon as Charlotte Riley pops up as John's lifelong best friend I was thinking, choose that one. She's prettier, not blonde and not American.
A couple more things to note in what might be my laziest review yet (Anyone wanting a summation, its alright, occasionally funny, not particularly dramatic).
Q. When did dead dogs become a staple set-piece of all British comedies? (How to Lose Friends... and this within the space of a month)
Q. Since when could Kristen Scott Thomas speak English too? (Some Frenchie eh?)
Q. When did Ben Barnes learn to act? (Between Prince Caspian and this I suppose)
Q. And finally who on earth thought putting Car Wash, Sex Bomb and When the Going Gets Tough through a 1920's jazz blender was a good idea? (No-one)
Set in 1920's England where the skies are overcast and the Great War has just finished, Easy Virtue tells of the Whittaker family and their 'shock horror' when the eldest John (Ben Barnes) brings home a bloody Yank as his wife. The majority of the chagrin eminates from the mother (Kristen Scott Thomas) while the father (a splendidly deadpan Colin Firth) enjoys the life the new addition brings. That the wife is played by Jessica Biel in full, turning heads mode might have something to do with the mens reaction.
And Biels Larita is reallly where the film lives or dies. Sadly for the film and her (when she reads this she'll probably try to take her own life) I don't find her that attractive. If you're in the 1920's you better have a Louise Brooks haircut or I'm just not interested. So while she nails the role of the strong yet vulnerable outsider as soon as Charlotte Riley pops up as John's lifelong best friend I was thinking, choose that one. She's prettier, not blonde and not American.
A couple more things to note in what might be my laziest review yet (Anyone wanting a summation, its alright, occasionally funny, not particularly dramatic).
Q. When did dead dogs become a staple set-piece of all British comedies? (How to Lose Friends... and this within the space of a month)
Q. Since when could Kristen Scott Thomas speak English too? (Some Frenchie eh?)
Q. When did Ben Barnes learn to act? (Between Prince Caspian and this I suppose)
Q. And finally who on earth thought putting Car Wash, Sex Bomb and When the Going Gets Tough through a 1920's jazz blender was a good idea? (No-one)
Friday, 14 November 2008
Zack and Miri Make a Porno Review
Sex is funny. The faces we make, the seriousness of it all, the importance we place on it as an everyday occurence, the stress-inducing worry that you might not be doing it 'right'. If that lot doesn't convince you that intercourse can be a great source of mirth just go look at some balls in the mirror for 20 minutes (if you don't have balls of your own, borrow a friends). Even the word balls is funny. Balls, balls, balls. With an endless amount of possibilites for making with the funny stuff when it comes to boom boom, it should be the centre point for more big screen comedy but for every Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex but Were Afraid to Ask or American Pie, you get a Good Luck Chuck or American Pie Presents Beta House. Yet if one man can pull it off, (insert Graham Norton audience reaction here) its Kevin Smith.
Zack (Seth Rogen) and Miri (Elizabeth Banks) are life long best buds. Outsiders who struggle by in shit jobs because their favourite thing to do is just hang out with each other. When the bills start to pile up and the utilities are cut off they need some money fast. Ever the thinking outside the box kinda guy, Zack decides they should make a porno. Miri agrees. Oh to have best friend like Miri. Saying that I think if I asked my best friend to make a dirty flick with me for cash he'd say yes. I just get the feeling it wouldn't be quite as sweet and life-affirming with as many lessons to learn. And I wouldn't be able to look him in the eye again after. Or sit down.
Anywho thats quite enough thinly veiled homo-eroticism for now. On with the review. If you're aware of Kevin Smiths oeuvre, or his work, you'll know he's a very filthy man. He uses all those
positively digusting words like, Fuck, Cock, Pussy, Crevis, Leak and Job to make up at least half of the script. The great thing this time is the script comprises of all these words in both dialogue and scene direction. So not only do we get dialogue that sailors would frown at but we get Jason Mewes butt crack bobbing up and down on real life porn actress Katie Morgan and Jeff Anderson (Randal from Clerks) getting shitfaced while filming it. Well he probably needed some Dutch courage to video two people fucking.
Speaking of the Dutch, how about an explanation of what a Dutch Rudder is? Its all here, present and correct and so is the real treat (well for me anyway), the stupidly cheesy, ridiculously heartfelt shit that since Mallrats has been even more of a staple of Mr.Smiths films as a phatty boom batty. Its the reason Jersey Girl tanked and that most View Askew fans will say is the 'gay' bits of the film but the man has such a hard on for overly romantic, cinematic love I just have to sit and applaud. The fact he can balance it with jokes about cum shots and awful puns like Star Whore Episode III: Revenge of The Shit just makes it all the better.
Zack (Seth Rogen) and Miri (Elizabeth Banks) are life long best buds. Outsiders who struggle by in shit jobs because their favourite thing to do is just hang out with each other. When the bills start to pile up and the utilities are cut off they need some money fast. Ever the thinking outside the box kinda guy, Zack decides they should make a porno. Miri agrees. Oh to have best friend like Miri. Saying that I think if I asked my best friend to make a dirty flick with me for cash he'd say yes. I just get the feeling it wouldn't be quite as sweet and life-affirming with as many lessons to learn. And I wouldn't be able to look him in the eye again after. Or sit down.
Anywho thats quite enough thinly veiled homo-eroticism for now. On with the review. If you're aware of Kevin Smiths oeuvre, or his work, you'll know he's a very filthy man. He uses all those
positively digusting words like, Fuck, Cock, Pussy, Crevis, Leak and Job to make up at least half of the script. The great thing this time is the script comprises of all these words in both dialogue and scene direction. So not only do we get dialogue that sailors would frown at but we get Jason Mewes butt crack bobbing up and down on real life porn actress Katie Morgan and Jeff Anderson (Randal from Clerks) getting shitfaced while filming it. Well he probably needed some Dutch courage to video two people fucking.
Speaking of the Dutch, how about an explanation of what a Dutch Rudder is? Its all here, present and correct and so is the real treat (well for me anyway), the stupidly cheesy, ridiculously heartfelt shit that since Mallrats has been even more of a staple of Mr.Smiths films as a phatty boom batty. Its the reason Jersey Girl tanked and that most View Askew fans will say is the 'gay' bits of the film but the man has such a hard on for overly romantic, cinematic love I just have to sit and applaud. The fact he can balance it with jokes about cum shots and awful puns like Star Whore Episode III: Revenge of The Shit just makes it all the better.
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