In honour of this sensational teen comedy about a girl who wants to kiss a boy and the hilarious repeated gag of dressing up a cat, here is a list of things I've enjoyed in my life more than watching Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging.
1. Undergoing the 'umbrella' test at the STD clinic.
2. My first pet dying.
3. David Camerons smug sense of satisfaction.
4. The disappointing looks on my ex-girlfriends faces after I've prematurely ejaculated into them.
5. The depressing look on my own face as I've ejaculated onto my stoamach for the 57th time this week.
6. The crisis in Burma.
7. The subway scene from Irreversible.
8. The deep, intense, nauseous feeling of being hit in the balls.
9. Roy Orbisons hit song 'I drove all night'. The least romantic or sexy song in the world. Its about non-consensual sex! I don't fucking care if you have spent a fortune on petrol. You ask 'Is that alright?' before the event not after.
10. Needing to defecate so much that its brought on a migraine.
I could go on but thats about it for my poo, sex, willy and rape repertoire. Its not that Angus etc is even particularly awful a film. Well it is, but the main unpleasantness of the whole experience was the looks being shot at me for sitting on my own in a cinema full of thirteen year old girls. And while in hindsight I probably shouldn't have made notes in my lap for the duration of the movie and groaned whenever something displeased me, I still don't think I deserved the cries of 'Pervert!' as I left. After all they don't know whats going on in my mind. Its not like I pour out my deepest darkest thoughts via a medium the whole world can access.
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