Wednesday, 6 August 2008

The Mummy : Tomb of the Dragon Emperor Review

24 hours is along time in the world of amateur movie reviews. For it was only yesterday that I was extolling the virtues of the top directors taking over the summer for the greater good. I forgot about Rob Cohen. Rob Cohen the man behind such masterpieces as XXX2, The Fast and the Furious and Stealth is handed one of Universals flagship films of the summer. Real Golden Age of Hollywood Owen! Well, be fair. At least they've given a shit director, a shit franchise, with a shit cast.

Beginning with an extended flashback of a big war (hey it worked for Lord of The Rings!) The Mummy 3 then re-intoduces us to Rick and Evelyn O'Connell holded up in boring old England wishing they could go on another adventure. Sadly for us, their wish is granted. Although if they'd have stayed in the house talking to each other in some kind of character piece, I would have probably burnt the cinema down before the second reel. So off they go to meet their rapidly aging son and fight Jet Li.

I was never a fan of The Mummy, and The Mummy Returns was just the cinematic equivilant of shitting and puking at the same time, so my expectations were lowerererer than for The Love Guru. Thankfully everybody has pulled through for little old me by making one of the worst, most painful experiences of the year. Good on Rachel Weisz for bailing but at least she would have made this tolerable as I, love, her. Her replacement Maria 'more tooth than face' Bello puts in a Razzie worthy performance not helped by having to spout the worst dialogue I've heard since Anakin chatted up Padme in a field on Naboo (geek chic). My biggest tears, however, where left for Anthony Wong Chau-Sang of the superb Infernal Affairs Trilogy. Rent a bad guy indeed.

The whole film makes Indy and the Crystal Skull look like Raiders era Indy. Even the special effects are inexcusably shoddy. When the terracotta army is formed it looks more like the chocolate man from the Coronation street ads has multiplied. The Yetis are cartoonish and the stunt doubles used sometimes resemble Kimbo Slice more than the actors they're supposedly doubling for. I imagine the filmmakers where hoping for a funny, enjoyable romp, but the end result is as fun and enjoyable as shagging the corpse of your dead mum.

No comments: