Thursday, 6 November 2008

Saw V Review

A little story for you all. Its Halloween 2006 and I ring some friends for a cinema outing. Thinking we have to see a scary movie, its tradition, I pursuade some of my friends to join me in the annual Saw outing. The ones who refuse I chastise as wimps and pussies. Flash forward to about halfway through the film, a guy has been drowned in blended rotting pigs and now we're watching open brain surgery from a shaky cam. I manage to resist the urge to spew but can't stop the entire auditorium spinning and swirling as I make for the exit, white as a sheet. Now who's the wimp and the pussy? Lets just say I way looking forward to Saw V as much as I look forward to having a Nandos poo.

For a guy who had a terminal illness in the first movie, the Jigsaw killer has done surprisingly well to last into film 5 of the series. But seeing as how he actually carked it at the end of III (of course, I had to be told this as I was crying in a dark corner when the film ended) this shouldn't trouble us too much. What should trouble us is the amount of apprentices he has carying out his work.

But fuck it we're not here for the plot we wanna see the people made all dead. And how! Sadly, or not so sadly if you're a giant girl like me, Saw V is pretty tame. There's some decapitation, some electrocution, a pendulum ripping someone in half and someone undergoing Thom Yorke's head in a fishbowl routine from the No Surprises video. But at no point did I feel like I couldn't handle it.

Instead you're just left with the horrible feeling that you're watching a dead horse being flogged. Now if this was literally the case and it was some kind of My Little Pony Snuff movie where the equine beastie was hobbled at the ankles, then his eyes gauged out and put into a feedbag for him to eat and then his johnson cut off and he was beaten to death with it over the course of 90 minutes until all that was left was the pulpy remains of a mashed up stallion. Well then, then I'd probably chuck.

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