Friday, 18 January 2008

AvPR: Aliens Vs Predator - Requiem Review

So appalled was I by this latest piece of tosh that I thought of just posting five or six acroynms showing my anger along the lines of Almost Validates Poking Retinas, A Victory Pour* Retardation, A Vision Polar (to) Ridley's, Anti Video Piracy Response, etc, but considering I'm using French* words, adding prepositions when I need them and I probably need to explain what I meant by that last one, I decided that would indeed be A Very Poor Review. I thankya. It would also mean I put more effort into this review than anyone put into the making of this 'film'.

Taking, for some reason, the worst bits about the original films throwing it into a bowl and shitting into it to make the concentration of said product a little bit thicker, The Brothers Strause, then blend it all up and toss it at the screen in such a way you start to wonder if the Alien or Predator franchise had raped their grandmothers and they want revenge by making the beasties so unscary and basically crap that even a six year old with a nervous disorder wouldn't be troubled by these once fearsome creatures. Isn't it strange how when you get angry one sentence can go on forever. Well he we go again.

The risible love attempt at a love story, the ineptitude of the Predator, the worthless new Newt, the female heroine who pisses on the memory of Ripley by just giving into the army without any argument, the 'comedy' stoners, the Paul W.S Anderson inspired direction!!!, the weak attempt at an open ending, the fact that the film is so fucking boring. All of these reasons and oh so many more mean you should never, ever, ever watch this film. Not even on dvd to laugh at. Even if it comes on TV and the only other option is Strictly Come Dancing. Watch Bruce Forsyth instead. The fact that he's still got the moves aged 128 is much more terrifying than this bag of codshit.

1 comment:

mooma said...

A very Passionate Review.