Friday, 2 May 2008

The Eye Review

In celebration of The Eye, the story of a blind girl who gets new eyes and starts seeing scary stuff, and its monumental lameness he is a list of things I don't want to see again this year. Like what I've done there? Yeah? YEAH?!?!?

1) Jessica Alba - In anything, ever. In fact this is not just for this year, but for all years hence until you can download acting skills straight to the cerebral cortex. As our best scientific estimate is this will occur about 2019 poor Jessies looks will have waned and she'll have nothing left except to be all sickly nice and homely as warm apple pie. I hate warm apple pie.

2) Lovely Disabled People - Speaking of sickly sweet when will people realise that not all people with disabilities or fatal illnesses are happy life affirming people. Lets have a few more 'Michael the blind pianists from Curb your Enthusiasm' please. Add some bitter, twisted kids with leukemia and seven days to live too thank you very much.

3) Opening and Closing Narration - Fair enough this is an auditory beef rather than a visual one but kindly fuck off with telling me what the set up of the film is in the first 20 minutes. I'll work it out for myself and if I don't then you've spunked up the filmmaking at some point. Don't give me some pat 'I've learnt something today' ending either. Have you learnt nothing form over 10 years of South Park. Cocks.

4) Art Deco Cinematography - Just because you've found some wanky, minimalist building to shoot your shitfest in doesn't mean you can frame or light a shot well. Framing and Lighting are there to enhance the emotional drive of the film. Go rewatch Citizen Kane. Yeah I did film studies. I've got a certificate and everything.

5) Predominantly Oriental Supporting Cast - We get it. You remade a Japanese film and you want to doff your crapcap to the original by putting in Japanese ghosts and Chinese restaurants. Here's an idea, don't remake a film to the point that you're basically redubbing it, then you might not feel guilty enough to have to include 'their people'.

6) Scary kids, scary jumps and other things that scare me - I just don't like to be scared okay. So stop doing the whole, 'its gone quiet, she's creeping up to the door, 54321 -Boo!' thing. Once the first 3-D horror comes out I'm literally going to shit into my nice white pants.

7) Saying 'We don't have a lot of time' - The correct cheesy time is running out line is,'We don't have much time'. Get it right.

If I see any of the aformentioned things again this year I will jab my eyes out with chopsticks and then add a Number 78 to the menu - Deep fried crispy eyeballs with Szechuan Sauce. See I can be patronisingly racist too. But I do it with irony so its okay.

1 comment:

James said...

'the eye' wasn't a japanese movie originally. rather a movie directed by two brothers from hong kong, danny and oxide pang and set in thailand.